For Claire [Backdated to 8/22]

[fuck_it]

Claire is one of the first people he goes to tell about it.

See, Maxxie's birthday's coming up really soon, and Chris reckons that now's as good a time as any for another party. The last one was fucking amazing, it was, and with everything as fucked as it's been lately, everyone could use one.

And to top it all off, Chris has got like, some great stuff planned for this one. Maxxie'd mentioned wanting a throne, so they're gonna find a proper one for him with a crown to go with it. Only problem is, Chris is kind of shit at all that. Claire's not, though, and Chris figures she'll know just how to pull it off.

Or, at least, he hopes she does. Otherwise Maxxie might find himself sitting on a chair from the compound or something.

Comments

[noonelaughed]

"But you went to the one before," Chris points out, remembering his first party in his hut. It'd been fucking mental and amazing and maybe he'd been fucked then, but he still remembers it. He still remembers kissing Claire that first time, for sure.

Okay, yeah, so he knows that Claire doesn't do pills or spliff or anything-- he's pretty sure she didn't even at that first party-- but she usually turns up anyway.

"What's goin' on, Claire?" He reckons that maybe it's because of how everything is between them. It hasn't been right for ages, it seems. Not since everyone had gone camping. Not since she asked him to choose.

[regenerated]

Looking in Chris' direction proves to be impossible right now. The very thought of it weighs on Claire, heavy and burdensome, guilt that she knows will only compound if she makes eye contact, so she doesn't, laying on her stomach instead and twining her fingers. A sigh passes through her lips, and instead, she just closes her eyes, shaking her head.

"I know I went to the one before, but... Chris, it was just really uncomfortable. I mean. Not even during, necessarily, but after, it just felt like I'd been somewhere I definitely didn't belong," she explained, her tone slow and patient, yet still firm. "I don't want to go and do something I might regret there, and even if I go just to wish Maxxie a happy birthday, my heart won't be in it."

[noonelaughed]

"Did somebody say somethin' to you?" Chris asks, because maybe people on the island don't know it, but that's not how those parties fuckin' work. Everybody, most of all Claire, belongs there, and nobody's got the right to say different.

"Right, then. Tell me who it was and I'll go set them straight, yeah?"

[regenerated]

"No," Claire quickly protests, shaking her head, fervently enough that a few curls fall out of place, glancing against her cheek. "No, it's nothing like that. Believe me, if I really wanted to go to a party, there's nothing that anyone else would be able to do to keep me away." A wry grin pulls at her lips as she thinks of Homecoming, such a small deal in the grand scheme of things, but at the time it'd been so important. Important enough for her to defy her father, and for what?

So that her uncle could get himself nearly killed, for her sake?

Her eyes carefully meet Chris', willing him to slow down, to listen, even if he may not understand. "It's just really not my kind of thing. Drinking, smoking, it's just like... I'd rather stay at home and, I don't know, read. Bake. Even learn about genetics. Raves just aren't my thing, and going even makes me a little, I don't know. Uncomfortable."

[noonelaughed]

The idea of it, of the parties making Claire feel uncomfortable, is so weird to him that he's quiet for a second. Because maybe it's not even all that. Maybe it's him that's done something and Claire's just too nice to say so. it'd definitely make sense, at least, what with how fucked things have seemed between them.

"You don't— you know you can come to the party and you don't have to take anything, right? Not— not pills or tabs or... or even fuckin' alcohol if you don't want," Chris says, "You could always just come and dance."

[regenerated]

"And be the only sober person in a room full of people who aren't even really themselves?" Claire asks incredulously, trying her best to keep her tone down and soft, gentle as she wants to be. But the fact is that the very thought of being the single person to stand in the corner is one that she shies immediately away from. Once, twice, it's tolerable. But making a habit of it is something that strikes Claire as isolating, even just in idle thought, and she takes a deep breath to try and gather everything. Her thoughts, her sentiments, anything that might best communicate to Chris how she feels.

"That's your kind of world, you know? Yours and Maxxie's. And in mine, god, we hardly even do more than play Twister when the cheerleaders get together. We talk about, I don't know, who's dating who," she sighs. "And I don't think I'm comfortable going further than that. Maybe it's just a cultural thing, I don't know, but where I live, staying away from drugs and alcohol is what we aim for."

[noonelaughed]

"So just 'cos it's somethin' you've never done before means you can't ever? Sorry, Claire, but that's— that's bollocks," Chris says, and he knows he's reaching. He's seen Claire at parties since the first one. Even when they'd all gone camping, he's pretty sure he didn't see her with more than the one drink.

"And I dunno if you've noticed, but we're not exactly in your world anymore, yeah? New start, remember?"

It's what they'd talked about back in the jungle that night, about not trying not to hold on to all that had happened where they'd come from, about making a choice between holding onto all of that and trying out something new.

[regenerated]

"Chris, are you even listening to me?" Claire asks, feeling a flare of emotion rise in her. Something sharp, warm, cutting to the quick and raising doubts that she's wanted to ignore ever since they first met. People are supposed to be able to work through differences, supposed to be able to accept one another's tastes. Opposites attract. Friendships are diverse. And so Claire thought that if there was simply enough time in Chris' life to be away from all of it, from the drugs and the alcohol, then it'd be enough. A part of her wants to believe that still, but in the moment, it all feels like he's tossing her feelings aside, not even stopping to consider that maybe she has a point.

It's just a party, she wants to say. Just one lousy party. It's not like they can't survive without each other for that long.

"I said I'm not comfortable with it. And, I don't know if you remember, but I did try all of this before. I've gone to two raves, and at the first I like... ended up kissing Arya because I was totally high on pot or, or ecstasy, or— god, I still don't know. I'm not someone who can deal with that," she tries again to explain, even as she sits up, brows furrowed so tight that it's almost painful. "I miss the stupid slumber parties where we didn't have to do any of that. And given the new start, I just want... what I was comfortable with before. I don't think that's wrong."

[noonelaughed]

It was MDMA at the first party— which wasn't even a rave or anything— but Chris doesn't say that. He can tell she's already pissed off with him or done with him or something. He'd go, if it were her, if she'd asked and it was something he wasn't exactly wild about it.

"Yeah, well, right. Okay, then. Don't come," he says, and stands, looking at Claire's floor instead of directly at her at first. "Have your— have your fuckin' slumber party or whatever. Don't even worry about it, yeah? S'not like it's the end of the world or anything."

It's not, but the way she sounds, the way she's looking at him... it sure fuckin' feels like it.

[regenerated]

He doesn't get it. That's the first fact that immediately comes clear when he pushes off the bed and stands to the side, throws his words at her like the very idea of being unable to enjoy the parties is... wrong, or incomprehensible to him. And for all that she knows he throws around curses more often, more off-handedly than Claire does herself, at the moment, that feels like its own barb, too. Everything's wrong. Everything's going wrong, and Claire can't help but blame herself for that, for having forced him into something that he probably doesn't even want. She's not the kind of girl that he wants, the kind who can hang and let herself go.

There's been too much in her life for Claire to give way completely. She thought, maybe he'd understand, having been to New York, but. If he didn't, she's not going to force him to try.

They're not the sort of emotions one would want to force on anyone.

"Yeah," she echoes instead, even though her words feel tight and her throat's a touch hoarse. "Not the end of the world."

[noonelaughed]

He’s made it worse, and he can tell straight off. He can tell by the look on her ace, and he can tell by the way she sounds now. It’s about right though, isn’t it? It’s what he does every time he gets something in his life that’s fuckin’ worth anything at all, he fucks it up.

“I’ll uh… I’ll catch you later yeah?” he says, his throat feeling dry as he takes a step closer to press a kiss to her cheek.

“Day after tomorrow maybe?”

[regenerated]

Maybe she's being unreasonable. Her breath grows thin with the weight of it all on her chest, hands balling into uneasy fists by her sides, but if there's anything that Claire hates more than making a hard decision, it's backing down. Wavering. Doing so at this point wouldn't do anyone favors, she knows; to throw out hope without being sure of where it'll land, it might only lead to this all over again. Words uttered in a moment of passion should be carefully tempered.

Still, she allows herself a turn of her head, until her lips just manage to brush his cheek before he pulls back.

"Yeah," she nods, voice quieter. "Yeah, that sounds good."